What you make me feel
by Yokiryuu
Summary: !HIATUS! "...even as some part of me wants to crush him and tear him apart limb from limb, another more insistent part wants something else..." Grimmjow doesn't cope well with the feelings he holds for Ichigo as they face each other in Hueco Mundo. Story takes place after Ichigo's confrontation with Ulquiorra, and Grimmjow finds Orihime so she can heal Ichigo. M/M Grimm/Ichi


**Re-uploaded and re-edited.**

**AN:** I read the old version over again yesterday and came to the conclusion that it needed a lot of rewriting if I was ever to continuing on it, as I mostly hated the story, truth to be told. So as a part of trying to get myself motivated to continue this story I attempted to make the story more angsty and Grimmjow less childish than I had chosen to portray him in my original version.

**Story: **What you make me feel.** (Original title: "Why?")  
><strong>

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.

**Genre: **Fantasy, Angst, Romance, Action, Slash.

**Warning: **Boy/Boy(**YAOI**), GrimmIchi, Violence, Bad language(Curse words).

**Currently UnBetaed**, as I felt very sorry for my own Beta, since I'm dumping too much work on her already. Though if you're interested in Betaing this, please do PM me. As I'm sure my grammar are horrible, though do take into consideration, when reading this that English isn't my first language.

**Summary:** "...even as some part of me wants to crush him and tear him apart limb from limb, another more insistent part wants something else..." Grimmjow doesn't cope well with the feelings he holds for Ichigo as they face each other in Hueco Mundo.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 01: <strong>Realisation.

_"I seek to kill you as you make me weak,_

_but I can't as I slowly realise how much stronger I'm because of you."_

The white desert sand feel hot against my bare feet, as I'm standing, looking up at the fake sky of Hueco Mundo, letting my energy flow free, making the hot dry wind blow through my cobalt colored hair. I'm trying to stay patient, but it's not one of my strong suits. My face is twisting into a sullen pout, as I wait, for the dumb chick to finish up healing the Shinigami kid.

I'm not in the mood for waiting, so I snare at the ginger-headed women to hurry the hell up, making her turn her head toward me, giving me a frightened look. Her big teary eyes are just causing the shark like smirk I throw back at her to look even more predatory. Obviously the Kurosaki kid sees it and gives me a hate filled glare, that makes his face twist in pain, before he turns his attention to the crying and drooling Arrancar child, ignoring me completely. _Fucking kid! Shinigami brat!_ I hate being ignored, and he knows it. _Damn him!_

In suppressed anger I turn my back to the two annoying lovebirds and the provoking child that are bouncing all over the place, giving me a fucking migraine. Standing here, waiting; makes time seem even more like that of an eternity.

I cross my arms and tilts my head backwards to get a better view of the blue sky above me. I'm beginning to feel strangely excited and I want to crawl out of my skin in frustration, as I'm itching for a fight. Not just any fight, mind you. No, a fight with the fucking kid, I have just saved. I don't even know why I want this battle; I just know that I do. _Saved… _sounds strange. It's not a word I ever thought that I would _ever_ use in the same sentence as "I", without the "didn't". And still here I'm, having just freaking saved my enemy, because… Why _did_ I actually save him? Saying that it was because I wanted a fight, sounds like a lame excuse _even_ to me. Though honestly I have no idea why I did it, but as I haven't been feeling right ever since I meet the hot tempered youth, which is another thing I really wanna find out why _that_ is, I figured that I can hopefully get my answers by fighting him. An impetuous decision, in every sense of the word. In short I'm not thinking this thought at all and are instead jumping into the dark blindfolded.

**~ XxXxXxX ~**

We are standing in front of each other, drowning in the silence between us, either are making a move to strike at the other. We are just standing here, feeling and listening as the wind dances; hearing as it sweeps over the sand and blows the small white sandstones up into the sky and all around us.

Deep chocolate eyes, with a hint of gold in them, are staring deep into my own cobalt blue, sending a shiver through my body. As I ignore the effect his gaze has on me, I concentrate on holding my face-eating smirk intact, while I involuntarily tighten my grip on my Katana.

I'm not really sure why it is that I'm not attacking him or why he has made no move toward his own Katana so far. It's ridiculous but even as some part of me wants to crush him and tear him apart limb from limb, another more insistent part wants something else, _much_ more. Though I just can't seem to figure out what that _something_ is or what that would even mean.

But that's the part that is holding me back. It's the only reason why I haven't driving my Katana though his heart by now. All this trouble because of some fucked up emotion that I lack a fundamental understanding of. _It's truly pissing me the fuck off!_

It's all so frustrating. I don't understand him. Nothing about the mix-breed before me makes sense to me. He is weak, yet he is strong. Simple, yet complex. A puzzle filled with missing pieces; one which I was sure I had solved a long time ago. I was wrong. I had dismissed him, but I'm slowly realising why Aizen is so interested in him. It pains me to admit that, especially that I would ever agree with that foul bastard of a Shinigami. I may be dumb enough to had been blinded by greed for power long enough to have agreed to serve him, but that doesn't mean that I share his views.

I'm still blinded though, but not with the same kind of greed. It's not that I have learned, I wish it was so. No, the void inside me that hungers for power has not lessened. It's the opposite in fact. The fuel has just changed, but for what I'm unsure of.

I feel lost; lost in caramel brown eyes. Lost in the deep pools of honey that disturbs something inside me that has laid dormant for longer than I can remember. It's the way he looks at me, like _really_ looks at me. It's almost like he can see something I can't. I hate the way his eyes almost seems to burn their way through what is left of my soul. His stare is so overly intense. So warm, it's too hot. I'm so very conflicted and it's unsettling watching the various emotions flow through his eyes so unguarded. My mouth feels dry and I try to swallow, but I can't so I don't. I'm frozen in mid motion, because it hurts. Don't ask me to specifically tell you what part of me it is that hurts, as I have no answer. Right now, it feels like everything, yet at the same time it's like a fictive pain, something unreal. A touch of imagination. Still though, I hurt.

It hurts, because I know what is coming next. Don't ask me why, I just know. And sure enough the strong look in his eyes flashes, slowly disappearing for a moment or two, leaving sadness in its place, making him look so defeated. So lost. I can't even look away as I recognise the overwhelming emotions of blame and shame he is directing towards me. They hit me like a ton of imaginary bricks and they hurt, even if they are not real. He looks at me like it's all my fault and I can only stare frozen back, confused and in pain. I'm suddenly finding myself lacking. A unknown need inside is pulling and pushing at me, forcing me to try to understand and again I find myself lacking. Incapable of comprehending and it hurts.

He knows and he sees that I'm lacking, but he doesn't fully understand and either do I. Of course I lack, as I'm empty, yet I'm not. It's all so very confusing when thinking about it. A complete waste of time. My face goes black and my smirk is missing, with no chance of returning as the sorrowful sadness in his eyes gets consumed by anger. So much anger, but he says nothing. He just lets the sadness get replaced by his rage, as he slips his black Katana from his back, holding it with the sharp edge toward me. The blank metal faintly reflects the light, casting it all around us and I still don't understand his reaction.

I let out a defensive snarl, a low growl leaving from the bottom of my stomach, rolling up my throat and slipping past my dry lips, before I can stop it. He doesn't outwardly reach, except the small contraction of his jaw-muscle. And he is still not moving, seemly frozen just like I. He is just staring at me with his weapon held high and anger is all I see in his eyes now. Anger toward me.

I flinch and take a step back, a grimace in place of my trademark smirk. For a fleeting moment I can't help but wonder if I ever will find the will to wear that sadistic smile again, as I slowly realize that I hate this anger in his eyes, so much more than his normal intense stare.

_Don't look at me this way._

It makes me feel so empty and strangely inept. Clenching my teeth hard together, I ignore the nightmare of foreign emotions that are slowly filling me up, overflowing and causing me to feel sick all the way to my core. His eyes are still burning into my own and when he screams my name, so full of longing and something else I just can't place, I'm not prepared for it. It takes me by surprise and something in me twists and turns, trying to claw its way out.

The almost suffocating emotions that were intervened with his voice makes me feel weird. It makes me feel something and it hurts. Slowly bile is working its way up my throat, causing me to gag. I feel like throwing up, but I swallow, ignoring the foul aftertaste that are left behind on my taste buds.

How dare he look at me like I'm at fault, when he is the one making me _really_ feel something other than hate, anger or greed. He is making me like this. Something I'm not. Something I'm not supposed to be! I'm...

_Hollow..._

Broken, yet whole. Dead, yet alive. Remains of what little there is left from when I was still _truly_ alive; Human. Now though, I'm nothing more than pure instinct driven by hunger. A void that can never be filled. That is what I'm, nothing more and nothing less. I'm not supposed to feel _this_. But I'm. He makes it that way. I'm changing and it's all his fault! But what for? Why me?

I don't even remember when my mouth began forming the words, but suddenly I'm screaming out my confusion and all of my pain.

"Why?!"

He looks startled and as confused as I feel. I'm not done yet. For some reason it's not enough, so more words slip past my lips, seemly without my control. Even to my own ears do I sound weak. Broken. Pathetic.

"Why you?!"

_You're my enemy... Don't do this to me! It hurts. _

"It's not fair! I didn't ask for this. I don't WANT this!"

It's like a waterfall or a broken water hose. I can't seem to shut up again. I'm still screaming, even as I can feel the burning in my lungs. I feel like I'm falling, a never ending fall. It never stops and I can't breathe. I don't know what the hell it is that I'm doing. My throat hurts so bad, from almost screaming my lungs out, but my hoarse voice is still filling my ears. I scream and yell, but I don't know what I'm actually trying to say. I'm lost and, for the first time I can remember, I'm scared. It feels like I'm falling apart, crumbling to a million pieces. I'm sure I look weird; wrong, and my expression, so far apart from my usual insane smirk, that it's almost scary.

"Why _you_!? Stop looking at me that way! It's all your fault!"

I can feel the anger; the bitter rage bubbling under my skin and for half a second I become blinded by it. And it's all it takes...

The next thing I know, see and hear are the sight and sound of our blades coming into contact, as they clashes in mid air, pushing the both of us back by the sheer force. Before I can actually take the time to realise what have just happened, he vanishes from sight, only to appear a few feet to my right, swinging his Katana too close to my ear for my likening. In reflex, I turn around and drive my own blade toward his torso, expecting him to block it, but he doesn't, instead he is already in the mid of a swing, his Katana on a collision course toward my shoulder. And in the same second, I see my Katana tearing into him and smell his blood, I feel a intense pain running from my shoulder, where his sharp blade now is stuck, and all the way down to my fingertips. It hurts like hell as he pulls his Katana free, causing me to clench my teeth hard together and bite back a painful groan.

As I flash step further away from him, I can feel the red liquid of blood flowing from my gaping wound and down my arm, soaking my white sleeve. I'm about to attack again, when he falls to his knees and as I see him sitting on both knees, with his arms clutching his Katana like a lifeline, which is balancing with the sharp tip disappearing into the snow white sand, I can't move.

I slowly realise that the only thing holding him up _is_ his blade and I cannot help but look at his face, though when I see it twitching in pain, knowing I was the cause of it, I feel like throwing up. Something inside me feels heavy and I begin feeling strangely numb. This is not the fight I wanted... _Did I even want a fight to begin with?_ And I realise that maybe I didn't.

_Pain..._

I lick my impossibly dry lips, as I sheathe my Katana back into the scabbard that is hanging on the belt around my hips. My stomach is twisting and I'm starting to feel even weirder, as I can feel my heart rate speed up and my mouth becoming as arid as the desert I live in. Though it all becomes so much worse when he looks up at me and our eyes connects. I can't hold his stare and I try to look elsewhere, when I start to feel so sickly and lost as his eyes turn almost completely black, because the fire in them are steadily being put out. But I can't. I'm transfixed on his eyes, clinging to the small flame in them called life. The dead stare I receive is making me take a step back and suddenly all I can see in his eyes is the reflection of me, filled with confusion, pain and again that something I can't place. I don't recognize that one emotion.

My usually hunger from destruction are nowhere within me, in the moment that I become even more lost in the eyes of my enemy; the enemy I have no right to even call an enemy anymore. I feel my eyes turning blank. It feels strange and foreign to me, as my eyes slowly begins to water, overflowing in the corner of my eyes, until the salty drops runs silently down my cheeks, over my cheekbones and down my bone fragment to in the end fall to the hot sand below my feet. I have completely frozen in my movements, both frightened and overwhelmed by everything that I'm feeling.

"Don't do this to me, please." I whisper out, for the first time since my dead, I'm begging. I don't even remember doing it when I was alive. A part of me feel so weak, so disgusting, but the rest doesn't care, as all I see is the spike bright orange hair framing a handsome and youthful face with a petite nose above pale rosy lips and with a pair of big eyes that were supposed to be a alluring golden brown, but in this moment seems so dull and lifeless. A flaw that was breaking something inside me.

I don't know what I'm doing, and before I know it I'm standing in front of him, kneeling by his side, slowly brushing my thumb over his cheek, before scooping him up into my arms. That is when I become aware that the salty water are still running from my eyes, down my face like rain from the sky, making me realize that I'm indeed crying. I don't know how to deal with these emotions that are roaring in me. I'm still not sure what is happening to me or what it is that I'm feeling, but now that I have him in my arms I know that I never want to let go of him again.

I look him over closely, with soft touches as I'm oddly afraid that he with break. He is still breathing; shallowly, but nonetheless breathing. And knowing that calms the storm in me as I step-flash across the sand.

"Please don't die…" I whisper over and over, knowing that if he does something inside me will break beyond repair. I know I sound pitiful and still I can't bring myself to care. Looking down at him while smiling faintly, I must admit that I'm partly conflicted that I'm beginning to understand that what I'm feeling is… caring. I care. I shouldn't but I do. It shocks me, but in a good way I suppose.

I step onto the top of the cylinder where the healing chick is standing with the crying Arrancar child. She look lost and sorrowful; pitiful, but I feel nothing. That makes me thoughtful as I know now that had that look been on the young man in my arms, I would do anything to wipe it away. To replace it with a smile. The corners of my mouth can't help but turn upwards at that thought, as I really do like his smiles. Sadly I haven't seen many of them, though I'm hoped that in some unknown way I can change that. Only time will tell.

"Heal him." I command of her as I slowly and carefully lay Ichigo down beside her feet. _Ichigo_, the name is like a caress, something warm in my mind, that makes my insides twist with a new almost light sensation that makes me feel like smiling softly.

At first she looks at me strangely, her grey eyes filled with tears and confusion, before she does as I asked of her and envelops him in her orange healing light, all the while looking at me with this weird look in her eyes.

She has seen and heard everything that has just happened and she doesn't understand my actions, not that I can blame her, as neither do I. I would look at myself like that too, if I could.

It's strange, but I feel lighter inside the more his wound closes. I'm not sure when I will get use to this. If I ever will. But I don't really mind right now even as I feel so totally and completely wrong in my own skin. . . Looking down at the boy I had originally intended to kill, I can't help but feel something alike to relief that for now I know that he is gonna be okay.

**~ To be continued ~**

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> Much better. :) Let me know what you think? Do you like this Grimmjow or not? Please tell me why, no matter if you do like him or if you don't.


End file.
